My Story begins between school and college years. I was never happy with my figure and ever since I was 7 dreamed about looking like a barbie doll which was very unrealistic. I had greasy hair and spots to top this all off I was between 4’11 and 5’2 at the time which made me one of the smallest. Since writing this my personality hasn’t changed, I am still a shy, anxious, quirky person. As in every school there are the different clique groups I was in a couple as I didn’t fit into one clique as I listened to music such as The Beatles, Blur, Oasis Suede and Pulp while all the other people were listening to music in the charts which I didn’t like at the time. I also like antiques and vintage things which made me stand out like a sore thumb as all my clothes, bags and make up were from antique shops or fairs/car boot sales.
My crushes also made people think I’m unique as they are older or aren’t everyone’s cup of tea such as Noel Gallagher from Oasis, Ringo Starr from The Beatles and Jarvis Cocker from Pulp. I always wanted to be one of the popular people as I used to obsess over Regina George and Sharpay Evans. I’m glad I’m not though as I made so many friends and people liked me for me and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I have had many bad experiences during school and college these included being used as a punchbag in which I got punched, kicked, shoved and received Chinese burns on both wrists. It got much worse only a couple of days later I got kicked so forcefully in the stomach that I projectile vomited all over my school uniform, so I got sent home.
On a second occasion by the same bully I got dragged by my ponytails over to where the bins were stored and got dumped into one then a second bag of opened and discarded all over me. The bully got away with both occasions but luckily a week after the second event I moved schools and I never saw the bully again. I also dealt with nasty messages and comments on social media.
I also lost a lot of friends which was to no fault of my own as they became friends with the bullies and turned out to be some of the most toxic people I’ve ever met. When I was in school, I received emails with words and threats that id never want to repeat from other students who I knew and could have named and shamed, but I was too worried that I was going to receive backlash from the bullies.
Things I wish I didn’t do
- Bottle up all my emotions. I did bottle them up for a long time and didn’t speak to anyone about my experiences. Then spoke to professional for help but they made it a lot worse, so I became introverted and resorted to writing everything down in a journal which helped immensely.
- Blame myself. I am still guilty of doing this now. I blamed myself for having all my little faults and issues which I have now learnt that everyone isn’t perfect, and we all have things that we don’t like about ourselves but after a while we must come to terms with it all and love ourselves for who we are.
- Isolated myself from my family and friends when I needed them the most. I spent a lot of time locked up in my bedroom and off social media. I also ignored texts from my family. I spent the time writing diary entries about my experiences and listening to music as loud as I could to block out everything that was going on around me. I spent a long time out on my own walking or enjoying the scenery to clear my mind.
- Think myself as a victim which is what I did for a long time as I thought I was the only person who was being bullied but later I realised that I wasn’t alone, and I have made many friends due to having gone through similar circumstances.
- Harm myself. On one occasion I did harm myself which I do regret to this day as I had to go into college with adhesive surgical dressing on my arm. I go a lot of questions that day and I only told a couple of people that were my friends, close acquaintances and my boyfriend at the time.
- Neglect my health and mental health. While going through all these experiences I became a really depressed and at one point suicidal. I was a very reclusive person and still am in certain situations. I have gone through therapy which helped, and I am now a lot better, but I still do struggle at times.
Things that helped me get through my experiences
- Diary entries
- Listening to music
- Talking to friends and family
- Going out
- Support groups
- YouTube Videos
- Long walks
- Social media